just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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