After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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