well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
