Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
