he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
