This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
wow bdsm is so cute
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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