His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
