I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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