in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
