Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
