Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
