if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
