I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
