You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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