I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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