Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
