it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
