Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
