Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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