I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
