My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
