I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
