I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
