Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
