someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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