I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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