We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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