Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
