drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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