my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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