On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
