you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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