Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
