Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
