just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We need a shit load of segways right now
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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