so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
