my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
