My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
