You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
