I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
