I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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