I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
