my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
