my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
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