I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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