It's like God shit irony all over that family
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
