Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
