Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
