and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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