so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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