my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
